A philandering friend of mine, who shall be known only as Bond, recently returned from another one of her globe-trotting adventures. Loaded with a zest for life matched only by her penchant for trying to drink as many G&Ts as themikeappel, I was able to twist her arm on one of our drunken evenings to bestow upon my good readers that which she has learnt as a human tumbleweed. She’s travelled about as much as Kingsley Holgate, but hopefully shaves a tad more often, unless the 70’s porn look is somehow making a comeback overseas. Sorry, it’s dangerous to use the words “porn” and “come” and “back” in the same sentence. Back on topic.
Themikeappel, as I’m sure many of you do, has that lust to travel, drink foreign brew, eat things that can’t be stomached or pronounced, and as only the French can say it, “Make love to life”. Well, yes that was English, but say it with a French accent and it will remarkably make more sense, trust me.
I have always loved traveling. It makes one thankful for the perks and quirks of your own country. After an overseas trip, where a beer costs what most hookers here do (I’m told), you get to return to sipping Castle Lager with that, “someone just broke wind” expression on your face, but at least the beer here is still cheaper in some places than petrol (or gas as our American brothers and sisters say).
Much like herpes, Bond has also managed to make her way to almost every corner of the globe and that is why, when Bond talks, you listen. In fact, a human tumbleweed is probably the most apt description for the woman. The only roots she seems to have are those on her head. Blonde she may be, but far from one of those stereotypical floozies that laugh at my jokes before the punchline has even been delivered.
These are six pointers Bond has blessed us with. I reiterate, these are her words, not themikeappel’s. If you disagree with them feel free to egg her house which is on the corner of “I’m never bloody home” & “I can’t believe themikeappel compared me with herpes” streets.
Bond’s travel tips (lessons) for living tipsy
1) You do not have to fall in love with everyone you sleep with. You don’t have to love everyone you fall in love with. If love is temporary madness, then love in India is permanent insanity.
2) One man’s sexual fantasy can shape an entire architectural movement.
3) The things you spend hours obsessing over at home mean nothing when you get out of your comfort zone.
4) The people you meet while traveling look younger, think bigger, and remind you that you are not alone in the world.
5)When you reach the end of a trip, always have the next one planned.
6) Drink enough beer and everyone speaks the same language.
Thank you for those few words Bond and may I just say that not only beer is a universal language…so are my dance moves.
It came to my attention this morning that there is a man on the loose writing a blog entitled: “Diary of a Zulu girl”. It is a vivid account of the exploits of a young Zulu law student as she gets involved with sugar daddies, drugs, drug dealers, and the whole club scene. The author of the blog has been approached by movie directors to look at turning his blog into a movie or series of some sort. If I knew it was that easy, I would have started writing about the life of the albino midget that escaped Alcatraz only to return to South Africa as Casper de Vries.
You know, the longer I’ve been writing this blog the more difficult and intertwined it has become. I’ve had so many guest appearances by various characters that it’s often easy to forget that these are all real people that feature or featured in my life.
I was thinking this morning about how fickle life can be. One evening you’re sharing your life’s stories with someone and the next you’re a stranger. I blame Facebook, mostly because Osama Bin Laden isn’t alive to blame anymore. I think people have become too comfortable “unfriending” (the Oxford English Dictionary’s 2009 Word of The Year) someone. It seems in life, as on Facebook itself, it’s as easy as clicking a button. I think the challenge in this day and age is to forge friendships and relationships that technology cannot corrupt. That transcends technology. I suppose we do this by hanging out more often rather than do the Instant Message (IM) thing. Easier said than done though, I know. I am trying to get around to see people more often – bear with me ladies.
I pity our generation in a sense. Everyone seems to have multiple personalities (rich coming from a man that often refers to himself in the third person I know). One for their Twitter account, one for Facebook (or Google+), one for What’sApp…and hey, even one for that dirty little online dating site you’ve been visiting while your wife or husband’s in the toilet. I think getting to know someone before the advent of so much information and access into the other person’s life was maybe easier and less complicated, less thought provoking, or maybe just less confusing. Yeah you guessed it, friendships and relationships back in the day were perhaps “same same, but different” (thanks Bond).